


Name one hero who was happy

by apolloxbvcky



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Bisexual Bucky Barnes, Bisexual Steve Rogers, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Remembers, Bucky Barnes-centric, Heavy Angst, Hurt Bucky Barnes, Letters, Love Confessions, Love Letters, M/M, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Sam Wilson Is a Good Bro, Steve Rogers & Sam Wilson Friendship, Steve Rogers Dies, The Song of Achilles - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-19
Updated: 2018-11-19
Packaged: 2019-08-26 04:03:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16674157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/apolloxbvcky/pseuds/apolloxbvcky
Summary: "Shuri lent me this book. The name’s ‘The song of Achilles’. It reminded me of us. On one of the parts, he asks Patroclus, his lover, to name one hero who was happy. Patroclus can’t, because there’s none. And then Achilles makes Patroclus promise him that he will be the first one; because he’s his happiness source. It reminded me of us. Because I think I’m the first hero to be happy. And the reason is you."In which once Steve is gone, he continues to make Bucky feel like no one else ever will.





	Name one hero who was happy

Bucky was sitting on Steve’s bed, with his head between his hands. He had been like that for what had felt like an hour, only thinking about him, about his blond hair and his blue eyes; about his million dollar smile and his soft hands. He wanted to cry, wanted to let it all out, but he didn’t have tears left on his eyes.  
His eyes and nose were as red as they could get, his whole face swollen and covered in tears. His chest hurt from all the crying, and his throat was so dry, he felt as if his voice was gone forever.  
He was still wearing his black suit, the black glove covering his left hand, but the jacket was resting on Steve’s chair.  
He had locked himself inside Steve’s room as soon as they had arrived from the funeral, crying his heart out. But it seemed as if people had suddenly remembered him, because the door was knocked and then softly opened, the person behind it not waiting for his response.  
Sam appeared on the other side of the door frame, also with his suit still on and a sad smile.  
“Hey.” he murmured, talking towards Bucky, sitting beside him. Bucky rubbed the tears away from his eyes, as if that was going to make anything better. “How are you?” Bucky didn’t reply, only looking away, through the window, looking for something on the forest surrounding the compound. “Okay, I know you don’t want to talk now… Whenever you are, I’m ready.” he said, putting his hnd on Bucky’s shoulder. Bucky only nodded, quickly, subtly, almost unnoticeable. “Before I go.” Sam said, putting his hand inside of his pocket. “He left this for you.”  
Bucky turned back, looking at Sam, and then at the envelope he had on his hand. On it, on Steve’s handwriting, two words were written: “To Bucky.”  
The brunette took the envelope, nodding at Sam again, and put it on his lap. Sam clapped Bucky’s shoulder, standing up and leaving the room.  
As soon as the door was closed behind Sam, Bucky opened the envelope, putting a letter out of it.  
“Dear Bucky:” It started, and it was enough to make Bucky’s eyes water again.  
“Dear Bucky:  
Bucky. James. Buck… I’m so sorry. If you’re reading this, we both know what it means. I’m glad Sam got out of it, at least. I made it his life’s deed to give this envelope to you. He can now rest in peace. (I’m obviously joking, I hope Sam dies of old age.)  
Bucky. Buck. Oh, Buck. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I left you. But please. Don’t do anything stupid. You still have Sam, and Nat. And the others. I know our relationship is not the best right now, but I’m sure it’ll grow back to what it was. And you have T’Challa and Shuri too. Please, don’t make this harder for them. Please, keep going. Just, keep going, even if I’m not. It doesn’t mean I’m not with you. I am. Till the end of the line, remember?  
These are a few letters. They’re placed in order of importance, not chronologically. Please. Don’t skip them. Just, read them. I love you so much, Bucky. I always did. I’ll always do.”  
Bucky sobbed, taking the first sheet and olacing it against his lips. One minute later, he put it beside him, on the bed, where Sam’s shape still was, and started reading the first letter:  
“Dear Bucky:  
I’m writing this to you on Wakanda. You’re still on cryo, but I came to visit. Shuri said I could stay for a few days. You won’t be waking up until a few months more. I can’t wait to see you.  
Remember when you used to write letters to me those months you were drafted? I used to come back from the Captain America tour and found them on our mailbox. I’m so lucky I ever had you.  
I will never be thankful enough.  
So. Shuri lent me this book. I read it to you, but of course you will not remember. The name’s ‘The song of Achilles’. You know Achilles? From the Iliad? The one with the weird heel, you know him.  
It reminded me of us. On one of the parts, he asks Patroclus, his lover, to name one hero who was happy. Patroclus can’t, and it’s because there’s none. And then Achilles makes Patroclus promise him that he will be the first one; and when Patroclus asks why it’s him that was to promise it, Achilles responds that it’s because he’s his happiness source.  
They both they at the end.  
But it reminded me of us. Because I think I’m the first hero to be happy. And the reason is you.  
We’ve had our ups and downs, that’s true, but in the end, I was happy, because it could be worse, I could be without you.  
Remember when we went back to the 107th camp and we started to shoot the advertisements wit the Howling Commandos? Remember how we were always joking, and playing? Remember when you put that picture of Peggy on my compass, making her yell at us? She loved us, in the end. She told me.  
And then you fell, and I promise you I had never been more miserable. I had never felt worse. It was the worst time of my life.  
I crashed a plane because of you, you know? Talk about true love…  
And it turned out none of us was actually dead. My doctors were right when they told me I was a hard nut to crack.  
And then, when I found you on that bridge… Oh, Bucky. You can’t even imagine how happy I was. Bucky Barnes, you little shit. The Winter Soldier… Do you even know all the things that went through my mind in that moment?  
I do.  
One.  
Bucky. Bucky. Bucky. Buck.  
I spent two years looking for you after you pulled me out of that river, Barnes.  
Two years.  
And where were you?  
In Romania! What the hell?  
I was so angry at you for not wanting my help. So, so, angry. And then I was so happy, because I had you again.  
And then everything went back to shit, and you decided to go down. And what else could I’ve done?  
At least you were safe.  
It made me happy that you were.  
I can’t wait until you wake up, Barnes. I just can’t. I’m going to come visit all the time. You won’t get rid of me, Bucky.”  
With his tears rolling down his cheeks, Bucky smiled. How he wished that was true right now. He put it on top of the other sheet, proceeding to read the second letter.  
“Hey, Buck.  
You finally woke up. I’m sorry I’m not there. I’ll be as soon as I can get a passport and a plane ticket. It may take a while.  
You know you made me cry, jerk? Because you did. When T’Challa called and told me, I started crying. Sam called me a pussy. I don’t think that’s nice, but anyways…  
Oh, Bucky. I’m so glad you’re back. I can’t wait to see you. I have so many things to tell you. We have so many things to do. I’m telling you, you’ll never get rid of me. I’m going to be your shadow. I’ll sew myself to you if I have to. I’ve been too long away from you. It will never happen again. Never. I promise you, Bucky. Till the end of the line.”  
Bucky was a trembling mess at this point. It was getting hard to read what Steve had wrote him with his hands shaking like they were. Sighing, he rubbed the tears away from his eyes and continued with the next letter.  
“Bucky:  
I’m so sorry I had to leave like that. If I could’ve, I would’ve stayed cuddling with you forever. But you know duty calls. I’m sorry, babe.  
I’ll be back as soon as possible, so we can continue where we left off.  
Honestly, I’d dreamed of last night so many times, it took me a while to realize it wasn’t my imagination. I can’t believe how good you’re at this, Buck. And to believe I spent decades only dreaming about it.  
If I had known better, I would’ve said something back in the 30s.  
I would’ve gone to jail, yeah, but I’d be a happy man.  
You make me so happy, Bucky… You can’t even imagine.  
Anyways, I’m about to board. Tell Shuri and T’Challa I said thanks for letting me stay around. Next time we’ll probably have to go to your hut, but maybe we can experiment new things there… We’ll see.  
See you soon, Buck.”  
Bucky was blushing and crying, all at the same time. He knew what night Steve was talking about on this letter.  
It had been the first night they had reunited after Bucky woke up, and they had stayed in the caslt,e with T’Challa and Shuri. The little girl, who was too clever to Bucky’s sake, had ordered the staff to put them both on the same chamber, with only one bed, and the AC the lowest it could. So, even though they both had the super soldier serum on their systems, their only chance to have a little sleep that night was cuddling together. Bucky couldn’t sleep having Steve pressed against him like that, and it seemed that Steve was on the same situation, so they had ended up talking.  
And then they had started kissing.  
And one thing lead to another and then…  
And then 90 years of sexual tension were finally resolved. And Bucky was happy. And so was Steve.  
Who would have said those were the easy times, when Steve had to sneak out of the castle on the early morning, and catch a plane under a fake identity, to go back to save the world; meanwhile Bucky stayed in Wakanda with his goats.  
Yeah, those were the easy times.  
Bucky looked down to the sheets on his hands, noticing there were only two letters left. He took the next one, noticing this paper looked much older. It was worn down, yellowish, and the words didn’t look like they had been written with a ballpoint pen.  
“Dear Bucky:  
I can’t believe you really left, you jerk. You left me alone. What am I going to do now, huh? Who’s gonna save me from all the fights on the alleys? Who’s gonna take care of my injuries? I can’t do it all myself, you know?  
That sounded like I was mad. I’m not. I just… I wish I could be with you, Buck. I miss you, and it hasn’t even been two days. It’s so weird, because you were always around me and now you’re not, and I feel empty. I just keep hoping that those fucking nazis give up and you can come back to me soon enough.  
Ugh. I sound like a desperate wife.  
Maybe that’s what we are, aren’t we, Barnes?  
We sure have lasted longer than many marriages have.  
I really miss you. I miss sleeping with you hugging me so I don’t die of hypothermia. I miss when you wake me up when you go to work even when you’re trying to not make a sound. I miss when you don’t have to go to work early on the mornings and we can make breakfast together. I miss when you read the newspapers out loud to me because I don’t have the energy for it. I miss when you help me when my lungs stop working. I miss when you call me a punk, even though I don’t deserve it. I miss you, Bucky.  
We can’t be Steve and Bucky if you’re gone.  
I wish you were here with me. You make me so happy.  
I’m still trying to get in, you know?  
I know what you’re going to say, that lying on the enlistment form is illegal. But it’s the only way, Bucky. I want to go there with you. I want to help my country. And hell yes I’m going to do it, one way or another.  
So just. Wait for me. I really mean it.  
Wait for me, Bucky. In all the ways you can think of.  
I’m on my way there. I’ll be with you soon enough.  
Be careful, jerk.”  
Bucky smiled through the tears, remembering his past life. How Steve had always been a big part of his life, how they had been together almost since they came out of the womb. They had been together through hell and fire, and not even war or death could keep them apart. Or so they had thought…  
Taking a deep breath, Bucky took the last letter. It was even older than the one he had just finished, and it had been crumpled and uncrumpled again several times. You could see it because of all the wrinkles. It was a fixation of Steve. When he didn’t like what he was drawing or writing, he’d crumple it, and two minutes later, he’d realize there was something fixable and uncrumpled it, then do the whole process again. He smiled. Steve had always been something special.  
“Dear Bucky:  
I don’t even know what I’m doing. I shouldn’t be doing this. I could go to jail for this. I could get you to jail for this. I’m so sorry. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to tell you this, so that’s why I’m writing it. Maybe when I’m six feet under you can read it and know the truth.  
The truth is, I love you. With every one of my goddamned cells, with every aching part of my body. I’ve loved you since we met, and I’ll love you until my last breath. You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me, Bucky Barnes. I couldn’t imagine a life without you.  
I couldn’t imagine a life where I wake up and you’re not here, where I wake up knowing that I won’t see you, knowing that I won’ talk to you, that I’ll get to see your face, your vibrant eyes and your precious hair.  
I couldn’t imagine that, because that’s not the life I want to live in. No. I couldn’t be happy in a life where Bucky Barnes doesn’t exist. I’d rather die than live like that.  
Bucky, I love you as the plants love the sun, as the bees love the flowers. I couldn’t exist in the wolrd without you, because you’re the only thing that’s keeping me alive. You’re the only reason I wake up in the mornings, and you’re the only reason I keep fighting for my life.  
It could’ve been so easy, to just give up.  
But how could I do that to you? I know you don’t love me like I love you, but I do know you love me. You wouldn’t be here if you didn’t. I know I’m not an easy person to live with. I’m so glad I have you.  
Bucky. You jerk. I can’t believe you made me fall in love with you so hopelessly. I can’t believe I ever thought there’s someone else I’m destined to be with than you. I’m never going to love someone as much as I love you. There’s never going to be anyone like you.  
Never, Buck.  
I love you so much, I hope one day I can shut it from the rooftops. But for now, all I can do is tell this paper, hoping someday you’ll find it, and read it, and come to me. If that day ever happens… Then I’d say it’s been a good life.  
There’s nothing in this world I want more than you. There’s nothing in this world I’ll ever want more than you, either on this life or the next one.  
Because I don’t know if we were together on our past ones, but I know from now on, I’ll never stop looking for you.  
You’re all I want. You’re all I am. I wouldn’t be alive if it weren’t for you. And I love you, Bucky. I love you, Bucky Barnes. I hope you find out someday.  
And I hope you find your happiness, as I found you.”  
Bucky dropped the letter, sobbing again, and put his hands on each side of his head. He wasn’t ready for this. He shouldn’t have done this now. He should’ve waited.  
But now it was no solution, and he had read the letters, and he loved Steve even more than he thought was possible, and he missed him so much, and now he had to learn how to live without him. He was gone, and he was never coming back. He laid back on the bed, hugging himself until he fell asleep.  
And on his dreams, sweet blond locks and bright blue eyes, along with soft pale hands, surrounded him, whispering sweet nothings on his ear.


End file.
